Healthy Boundaries For Worship Leaders

It’s tricky to have good boundaries when you are in ministry. Serving God is something most of us LOVE to do, and we want to give it our very best. I bet you’ve been in many situations where you’ve wanted and needed to say “No!” but you ended up saying “Yes!”.

This results in us doing more than is healthy, and being unable to keep wise boundaries with those who lead us and those whom we lead. Many worship leaders suffer from an inability to say “no” to anything, and as a result, get tired, burned out and jaded. Often the families of worship leaders can get neglected as too much time is spent saying “yes” to ministry that should come second to the wellbeing of our loved ones.

Here are my tips to walk this out! I’m going to be very honest here, so I hope you don’t read it and think “she’s really arrogant and hard to work with!”. That’s not the feedback I’ve gotten over the past years at all…people have told me they really respect my boundaries…and 99% of my bookings are to go back to the same churches and events year after year… All that to say, you can have boundaries and convictions that you stick to, and still work really well with others and have them want you around!

Seth Godin

One of my favourite authors is Seth Godin, who wrote the amazing book “Tribes”. This post on ‘saying no’ was inspired by him, as he posted some thoughts on his blog recently and I believe they really apply to us as worship leaders:

“If you’ve got talent, people want more of you. They ask you for this or that or the other thing. They ask nicely. They will benefit from the insight you can give them….

The choice: You can dissipate your gift by making the people with the loudest requests temporarily happy, or you can change the world by saying ‘no’ often. You can say no with respect, you can say no promptly and you can say no with a lead to someone who might say yes….

But just saying yes because you can’t bear the short-term pain of saying no is not going to help you do the work. Saying no to loud people gives you the resources to say yes to important opportunities.”

How insightful is that?! Wow. I love the line “Saying no to loud people, gives you the resources to say yes to important opportunities”.

We want to do things that make an impact, yet because we can’t say no, we end up diluting ourselves to the point of ineffectivity!

Enough hours and energy

Someone once said that God has given us exactly the right amount of hours in the day, and energy in our bodies, to do everything he is calling us to do. So if we feel exhausted and stressed, it means that we have taken on more than he wants us to. People frequently say “it’s for God’s kingdom – I need to do it all”, yet really we are LESS useful to God when we are worn out.

If you are tired and feeling a bit overwhelmed by all that’s on your plate, look at how much you’re doing and find ways to cut back. “I can’t drop anything!” is the usual answer…but to be honest, unless we all start taking better care of our health and energy levels, it WILL catch up with us, and we won’t be much use to serve anyone when it does!

You can say ‘no’ to your leaders

This applies to every kind of church ministry, not just worship leading. The best way to serve your church and your pastors, is to know your own abilities and limits, and be honest about them. Yet many people feel they just can’t say no to those who lead them. If you are in a church culture where nobody feels comfortable saying no to the church leaders, I’d question whether you are in a healthy church.

Leaders tend to love a “yes person” initially, as they’ll do lots of work and always be available. But “yes people” are usually short-lived, as they gradually start getting more and more exhausted, and often develop cynicism and a sense of being ‘used’. So long-term, being a “yes person” usually results in strained relationships with pastors. It’s better just to have boundaries and be honest! Your leaders will like you and trust you more in the long term, if you are honest and boundaried.

What are ‘boundaries’?

“Boundaries” is a term used in psychology and counselling. A great book has been written on the subject by Dr Henry Cloud, which I really recommend! I read it every couple of years. Cloud explains that “boundaries are not walls” – so I’m not saying you should become a closed, angry person who doesn’t let anyone in! Boundaries are “fences with gates” according to Cloud. They are healthy lines that we draw, between what we can do and what we can’t. They are flexible, changeable and positive.

They are like the lines around a football pitch – without those boundary lines, the game couldn’t be played…it would just be chaos. When we live without boundary lines around us, our lives and our schedules, we become chaotic!

An example of creating and keeping good boundaries would be to sit down and work out how many hours a week, and a month, you can give to worship ministry, while still keeping all the others parts of your life healthy. This will depend a lot on whether you are a volunteer or paid staff. Figure out how much time a week you need to spend with your loved ones (your son’s sports matches, or a date night with your husband… whatever your family time looks like). Figure out how much time you need to keep your house clean and tidy, and get all your errands done. Plan at least one full day off per week, that involves nothing other than rest and relaxation. See where worship ministry fits in with all this, then based on those hours, be honest about what you can and can’t say yes to at church.

Communication skillz

We all know that HOW you say something is as important as WHAT you say! The way you say “no” to something in worship ministry needs careful thought. From being around hundreds of churches over the past decade, I’d found there can be a stigma attached to worship leaders, that we are ‘Artistes’ who don’t work as hard as the people who prepare sermons, or the people who do lots of admin. I think our role is often misunderstood, and all the hours we put in to choosing sets, printing charts, rehearsing bands are not really grasped. Sadly some pastors treat worship leaders like they need to be ‘put in their place a bit’ to make sure we don’t have any artistic temprament or ego flaring up. Based on that, we need to break the stereotype by being extra gracious and wise in all our communication.

Don’t say “no” in a way that would foster those stereotypes! Be gentle, explain yourself thoroughly, and help by trying to find someone else to fill the need. For example, if you’re asked “can you lead worship at the prayer meeting on Friday” and you know that’s your one night off this week, explain that you need to protect your night off  because it’s your sabbath, and unless you get rest you won’t be any use to anyone. Explain that you are trying to be wise in your habits, and that ensuring you don’t over-work is something God has laid on your heart. When you give a full and proper explanation, it’s easier for your pastor to understand. A straight “no” is harder to process.

Always volunteer to help fill the gap – so when you’ve said “no” the next step is to try and find someone who CAN do it. That way, you show you are a team player and genuinely wanting to make sure someone leads worship at the meeting. But at the same time, make sure that even when no one else is available, you are still able to stand by your decisions to say no. This is very difficult in a volunteer culture, as often no one wants to help, so we are left holding the baby. Don’t let that force you into over-working.

Jesus shows us how

Sometimes God will ask us to do things that stretch us beyond our normal limits. We certainly see that in Jesus’ life – sweating drops of blood, and then being crucified. We also see it in the early church -Paul lying in chains for the gospel, then martyred.

We’re not called to just live a safe and easy life! We are meant to be servants who wash people’s feet and pour our lives out in service. But we are ALSO called to steward our bodies and lives well, so that we can be at our most effective.

Jesus had great boundaries – he said ‘no’ countless times to people in the gospels! Even situations that looked like ‘no brainers’, like when he was asked to go to his friends Mary and Martha, to see Lazarus who was dangerously sick. Jesus went the long route and arrived after Lazarus had died, much to the frustration of Mary and Martha. He knew the bigger plan. We sometimes need to trust the bigger plan of our health and our energy levels, and say no even when people respond with frustration. Jesus was NOT a people pleaser…many people find that a shocking revelation. Have we really taken that on board? You can love people VAST AMOUNTS, yet not need to live as a people pleaser. They are two very different realities!

Prayer

Ask the Holy Spirit for wisdom in making decisions. Sometimes you might need to say yes to something that seems like an obvious ‘no’. Be open to God speaking. Also be wise about others using spiritual manipulation to get you to do things… if anyone says ‘but it’s for the Kingdom, you really should say yes’… then it’s clear that they don’t respect your boundaries. Anyone pressuring you to do something, shows they have an agenda and that your well-being isn’t very important to them. Don’t let strong personalities push you around! Respond gently but firmly, and stand by what you believe is right.

Get the details in advance

One of the biggest ways that we can use healthy boundaries as worship leaders, is being honest about what we need to know before we show up. If we’ve agreed to lead worship at an event, it’s only fair that we are told how many minutes we’ll be leading for, where that fits into the rest of the meeting, what resources we’ll be given, and (if you are paying the bills by leading worship) how much money we will be paid. I meet so many worship leaders who have just burnt out from lack of organisation. They said “it’s just all too haphazard…I never know what’s needed before I arrive…I’m rarely paid enough…people just give me ‘love offerings’ that turn out to cover my petrol and nothing else…I show up and people expect me to lead for 2 hours when I thought it was 20 minutes”. These stories make me long for the church to give worship leaders MORE INFO about what’s expected! That way, everyone wins! Don’t be shy about asking for the information you need, ahead of time. That way you can do a BETTER JOB in your preparations and expectations, which will be be better for everyone in the long-run!

Jukebox

One thing that I’ve found hard to say no to, are speakers and pastors who suddenly request a song when you’ve had no time to learn it or run it with the band. Having chatted with people in these situations, often it turned out to be a compliment – the speaker just assumed the band and I were so good that we could play any song at a minute’s notice (little did they know how much time I spend learning stuff!). So sometimes when people ask you for a requested song, it’s a compliment in disguise.

For some worship leaders, this is a very normal and expected part of their role. So I’m only speaking into it from my own personal perspective. You may thrive doing ‘spur of the moment’ song requests. But many of you have emailed me, saying that you don’t find this easy… so I’ll address it here!

For me those song requests began to really put strain on me as I travelled across the globe and kept getting asked for random songs at random moments! I’d have my set prepared, then have to change everything and lead a song that I barely even knew…trying to figure out what key, tempo and arrangement to choose, and messing up the lyrics.  Several times speakers have done that to me on stage with zero notice, which is even harder. Eeeeek! This may have happened to you too!  They were coming to the end of the preaching, then said into the mic “As Vicky comes back up to lead worship, I wonder if we can sing the old hymn called…” and just announce that we’re doing it! Very awkward. No one wins, as if I don’t really know the song, it’s going to show and the people won’t be led in a safe, prepared, or excellent way.

These days I’ve learned that for me to lead worship the best I can, and serve God’s people as effectively as I can, I need to have boundaries around this. If someone wants to request a song, I need at least a week’s notice if it’s a song I don’t know well. If the song doesn’t really ‘work’ for my vocal or my band, I will be honest about that. If the song doesn’t fit into the set I’ve prepared, I’ll sit down with the leader and explain this, and see if we can figure something out together. It’s different if you are in your home church, and your pastor knows the songs you know well, and you have a relationship of trust. I’m more thinking of situations where you are a guest.

It’s too late in the heat of the moment, if something gets sprung on you. It would look awful to say no, so you just have to make the best of it infront of everyone! To save this from happening, it takes communication ahead of time. So…I chat with whoever is leading the meeting a week or so before, and explain that we’ll need a decided set list that hopefully stays the same during the meeting. I’ll chat about why I take this seriously – because I want to serve the congregation by coming well prepared, and that the Holy Spirit can lead our preparation in advance.

Preachers would be offended if right before speaking, the service leader came up and said “I know you’ve prepared a sermon, but we’d like you to change part of it. Instead of speaking on whatever you’ve prepared, we’d like you to change the second half of your talk to Jonathan Edwards’s sermon entitled “Sinners in the hands of an angry God”… I’m guessing you probably know that one from all your reading??” No one would ever do that! But people feel very comfortable doing that with worship leaders.. We need to gently let people know that we are not a jukebox, we are planning and prepping as much as a preacher does, and that we need their help to not detonate all our prayerfully crafted preparation. Most leaders WANT worship that is well planning and takes the congregation on a crafted journey, so it’s in their interests to work with us on this one.

It’s a different matter if your church culture embraces this…or if you have a repetoire of songs that you and your band know well and can easily just play,  If you are in a more charismatic church, then spontaneity may be more usual for you than having a plan! I’m just speaking as someone who  feels like the Holy Spirit is just as able to speak and lead during the preparation stages as he is during a meeting. Sometimes it’s true that we need to ‘go with the flow’ in a meeting, but sometimes this can just be a cover up for lack of preparation and clarity. Being a team-player is the most important thing…but it’s also crucial to be honest and not just keeping struggling with low-level frustrations that aren’t dealt with, as they will snowball into something much more serious.

Timing

Being asked at the last minute to change your song list is hard. Another similar thing is being asked to change the length of your set.

If, like in my post last week, you take creating a set list seriously, you’ll be planning a carefully crafted journey for the congregation. You’ll plan the right amount of songs, and the right order for them. You’ll plan when and where you’ll speak.

If you’ve crafted this set, and practiced it, knowing that you’ve got 25 minutes, it’s a significant occurrence when someone tells you upon arrival that actually you now have 15 minutes. It’s rare for a speaker to be invited to preach, then  told at the last minute that they need to cut 10 minutes off their teaching. It’s hard to re-work your worship set or your preach, with very little notice.

I am honest these days, when people try and change my set length without any notice. I’ll be gracious, but I’ll explain that it’s not just a matter of ‘cutting a few songs’, rather that i’ve crafted a journey and that the set was based on the exact number of minutes I was told I’d have. Clearly, you need to serve the bigger picture, and often will need to just accept it and change the set. But be honest, otherwise this will become (or maybe already is?) a normal and acceptable behaviour in your church culture. We are called to serve God’s people, but that doesn’t always look the way you’d imagine – being a good steward of leading worship doesn’t just mean saying “yes” – it means having values, explaining them to others, and sticking to important boundaries and convictons.

Friendships and fun

When you really know someone, it’s easier to understand their motives and their behaviour. If you don’t have great relationships with your leaders, pastors and team, then when you say ‘no’ it may easily be misunderstood. Spend time hanging out with your team. Let them get to know you in non-church-service, fun settings. Go out to eat, or watch a movie together. Relationship is the glue that irons out most misunderstandings and tensions in church communication.

This can be tough if you are a female worship leader, and your pastoral leaders are male. It can mean that you do feel on the edges socially, and get misunderstood more than necessary as you just don’t have the chance to get to know your leaders like a male worship leader who can go watch a football game with the pastor, can.

If you are in that spot, (and many of you ladies are, as you’ve emailed and told me!), then find a way of still building friendship. If you are single, then invite the pastor and his wife for dinner. Or if you are married, do a double date. Find ways to get to know each other as this will take away much of the potential misunderstanding!

Be generous, kind and joyful

Reading this post, you might think I’m asking you to become stuck in your ways, arrogant and um-manageable. Far from it! I just firmly believe that people who know what God has and hasn’t called them to, are actually MORE useful and more EFFECTIVE in the long run! Good boundaries are part of the ‘fruit of the Spirit” as they are the result of self control. So having these boundaries should be part of our spiritual growth. We should also be growing as much in joy, peace, kindness, patience and all the other fruit of the Spirit, resulting is us being FUN to have around, and a great member of any team. We should be quick to serve, and willing to dive in a help when we see a need. But all of this must be balanced by knowing when to step back. Boundaries make us MORE FUN as people, not less so. We will have the energy we need to love others well, and do all the things God is calling us to do with excitement and passion.

So… are you good or bad at knowing your own boundaries?

Do you need to get better at saying ‘yes’ and ‘no’ to the right things? Is this hard in your local context?

Vicky